I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
