We're facebook friends in real life
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
