I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
