I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
