I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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