chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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