sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
