Dude my mom stole all your condoms
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
