I'm so fucking centered right now
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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