so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
