I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
