Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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