Everything about him screamed your future.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
