Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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