god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
