I will die if light touches me.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
