i permit you to call me
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
