You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
