its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I wish they made helmets for livers.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
