Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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