I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
