before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
