I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
