My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
