I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
