you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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