if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
