I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
There r osticjed everywhere
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
