i will never coherently bang her
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
