the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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