New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
