I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
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