Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
