life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
