I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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