I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
