I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
