I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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