Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
