Only a mothe r could love this liver
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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