nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
