the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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