I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
