phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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