So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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