i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
