I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
