I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
