No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
