Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
