ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
